There is a common misunderstanding that frequently shows up in parenting spaces: mistaking compassion for permissiveness. The conflating of these two qualities is fairly understandable at face value. Still, the constructs of compassion and permissiveness are really quite distinct and in very important ways.
What’s Left Unsaid
Oftentimes, the entangling of these two concepts happens when talking about younger children, with caregivers worrying that if they respond to their child’s cries or tantrums that they are:
“giving in”
“teaching to deliberately act out”
“teaching to get upset when things don’t go their way”
“spoiling them”
Or that their children:
“will learn to be dependent on their parent”
“will expect everything to go their way”
“won’t be growing the skills needed to deal with the ‘real world’”
These beliefs can certainly present as alarming, and unfortunately can make it challenging to integrate new ways of parenting. While we cannot remove past learning, we can add to the understanding of what’s happening for the child and why a caregiver’s approach is so important. Let’s expand on what your child is likely needing and what is typical or necessary for their development.
When a child is distressed or is working hard to navigate big feelings, they are behaving EXACTLY as their bodies are designed to. Children are learning to develop control over their emotions, behaviors, and impulses - but this is a process that develops well into early adulthood. They just aren’t there yet, but we can help them to be. We can partner with them and see beyond their behaviors to understand what they might be telling us about their needs and how we can show up for them as parents.
As parents, we want to meet our children where they are and we want them to know that they can depend on us to be there for them and to help them work through it. This safety and consistency is actually one of the tenants of establishing healthy relationships to themselves and to others: secure attachment.
Fostering a Secure Attachment: Safe Haven
Let’s examine attachment relationships more closely. There are three core caregiver functions that support the development of a secure attachment, one of which is serving as a “safe haven”. What this means is that the caregiver provides nurturance and care during moments of pain and upset, helping the child to feel seen and known, regulate their emotions, and restore their sense of safety. The consistent presence of this care and compassion helps to establish a sense of predictability for the child, which in turn, contributes to an enduring sense of safety and security in their relationships and in the world at large.
This is to say, that repeated actions of nurturance form the basis of a child viewing the world – and those within the world – as loving, dependable, and safe. Further, it helps to instill the belief that their experiences matter, and that their emotions, their wants, and their needs are valid and are worthy of being expressed.
Let’s hold onto these messages as you consider the last challenge your child experienced. Imagine that they were able to meet their own experiences with equanimity and seek the support they needed. How would this feel for you as a parent to see?
Now imagine a recent challenge you experienced as an adult that truly tested you. Imagine that you were also able to meet your own experiences as valid and fully worthy of being met with support and understanding. How might that have changed things for you?
These are incredibly powerful messages for children to receive because they help to construct the framework from which they begin to understand and respond to their own experiences. And you get to be the one to share these messages with them.
But What about Permissiveness?
Let’s return to this central concern – that responding to our child’s cries will turn into a slippery slope where we just “give them” whatever it was they were crying for. This is where the balance of compassion and boundaries come into play (and it is also where our own regulation and ability to tolerate their distress comes in).
As a parent, we very much can – and, we believe, we very much should - send our children the message that their experiences, emotions, and needs matter all while holding still to our boundaries and limits. This type of parenting style, known historically as authoritative parenting, incorporates the compassion we can offer through being attuned and responsive to our children’s needs alongside the stability and guidance we can offer through consistent and clear structure.
This balanced parenting approach has more recently been characterized as “gentle” parenting, and perhaps that’s where some of the misconceptions have arisen. Gentle doesn’t mean permissive or “overly soft” – it means that we are parenting in a compassionate and loving way. Expectations and limits are clear, consistent, and predictable and the child’s feelings matter and are acknowledged.
So What Does this Actually Mean?
In these moments of upset where your child may be crying in response to a limit you’ve set, their feelings matter. Their reactions make sense – of course they are likely to be distressed! It can be really hard for things to not go the way they wanted, especially when they are still learning how to navigate the overwhelm that can come from really big emotions and disappointments. So let’s interpret these tears as a request for your help: both in terms of understanding and validating their emotions, and for skill-building around how to navigate such difficult feelings.
Using this type of lens helps us to shift away from interpretations that our child is being dramatic, causing an embarrassing spectacle, misbehaving, or confirming suspicion that we’re failing as parents. Instead, we can see that within this situation, there is a child struggling with something very real and very human, and they need our help getting through it.
We can meet them in these moments with compassion and validation of their feelings: you see that they are hurting, and you get it. We can invite them in with comfort and care to help them soothe and regulate, and all the while, we can still hold to the limits that we had set. Let’s say that in this tough moment, your child is screaming, throwing objects off the shelves, and hitting those around them. This also doesn’t mean that we need to accept or condone that behavior. Instead, like Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. says, you can “say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior.” This is where we can set limits in the moment and then work on skill-building once things have cooled down.
It’s absolutely understandable that our children may feel upset that they couldn’t get that toy they wanted, and… that’s okay. That doesn’t mean that we’ve done something wrong by saying no or setting that limit, and that doesn’t mean that we have to then give them that toy. But that also doesn’t mean that we need to ignore the pain that is overwhelming their brain and their body. We don’t have to forfeit our gentleness or our relationship with our child in order to maintain our structure, and we don’t have to forfeit our structure and limits in order to attend to our child’s emotional needs.
Refocusing on the Larger Picture
So what do we hope you might take away from this? That you can always respond to your child’s cries, their expression of their needs, and their struggles. And you can do so with love, understanding, and compassion. Doing so doesn’t mean you are teaching your child to turn up the dramatics. On the contrary, it’s teaching them that they – all of who they are and all of their experiences – are safe with you.
We understand that integrating and trusting this approach may be stressful and challenging, especially in the moment. It’s for this reason that it’s something we highlight throughout our social media content and within our courses. It’s a balance that takes time, practice, and intention – and it’s one that is well-worth the effort. You are instilling the message that they can be loved through it all.
