Many times, after a tough encounter, parents don’t return to “close the loop.” Families may continue on as if nothing happened, never to speak of the incident again - that is, until it repeats itself. While there may be many reasons influencing parents to make this decision, this can also result in missing the best time for processing and skill-building.
Staying Curious
So much about growing as parents is understanding our own inclinations, the impact of our upbringings, and the rules we’ve carried with us. Parenting is a minefield of these experiences as we may be continually confronted with reminders of our own childhoods - and sometimes our children even strongly resemble us! When apprehensions or discomfort appear, it can be a good signal to us to lean into them with curiosity to try to uncover what they might be telling us.
In this particular type of scenario, the discomfort here may be surrounding the rules we carry about “conflict.” Take a moment to simply notice the sensations that arise in your body when you think of that word, the feelings that surface, and the experiences they are tied to. Notice if the recollections are from recent years or stem from childhood messages and experiences.
Parents may hold many different expectations about what conflict means - what it says about their parenting, what it says about their children, and how it informs expectations about how the situation will unfold. Parents commonly hold beliefs that any kind of “conflict” or “confrontation” is wrong, scary, or abrasive. And many may equate having a discussion after a tough moment as a “battle,” something that is tense and full of judgement and rigidity. A history of maintaining peace in families of origin may also lead some parents to experience conflict or tension as threatening or unnatural.
Whatever hesitations or stuck points show up, it’s okay to acknowledge them. By bringing them into awareness and learning from them, we can more flexibly decide how we wish to proceed. We are not bound by past learning. By identifying our pain points and fears, and coupling them with perspective, we are able to lessen their power over us and our responses.
If you find yourself coming across stuck points, areas of discomfort, and rules you’ve taken from your own upbringing, unpacking these with a licensed professional can help you to disentangle from them and move forward in the ways that are meaningful to you.
New Responses to Old Pains
By uncovering what pain points may be getting activated for us, we can respond in ways that are both loving towards our children and the child-memory of ourselves. This is to say that we can reparent ourselves through compassionate and values-aligned practices. Consider these potential pain points and compassionate responses.
Pain Point: History of Blaming & Judgment:
Looping back in with our children following conflict can be approached with a non-judgmental and empathic stance. We get to have respect for their personhood and their experiences. We get to come alongside them to teach and guide, not to shame and belittle.
Pain Point: History of Invalidation:
Making space for the full range of your child’s experiences communicates validation and affirms them. You can invite their perspective and validate how hard things must have been for them. You can hear them out and connect with them in the difficulty of the situation at hand, and you can still be a loving and steady presence that offers guidance and support.
Pain Point: History of Overwhelm & Confusion:
Approaching tough encounters as compassionate learning opportunities supports your child’s sense of competence and self-efficacy. You can come alongside them to think through things, problem-solve, and come up with solutions together. You can be the guiding adult that doesn’t leave them in the sticky tar pit, but instead helps them find their way out of there.
Whatever pain points arise, there is the ability to learn and grow from them. As resourced adults, we have the ability to do things differently than might have been offered to us in the past. Sitting with our experiences, examining our takeaway messages, and being intentional about the steps we take can help us move in that direction.
Reframing the Situation & Setting the Stage
For many, conflict or tough interactions may carry an adversarial tone. There may be additional held narratives around “defending oneself” or being “right.” However, anticipation of a “battle” may inadvertently cause a battle to occur. Held and maintained expectations and anticipations can very much influence how these interactions are approached - and thus, how they unfold.
By holding these expectations “lightly,” parents can more freely clarify motivations for following back up. Perhaps the follow-up may be to apologize for any missteps and harm, give space to talk things through, understand what happened, extend compassion to their experience, and lend support in areas like problem-solving and social dynamics.
You can define your role in your child’s life. You may choose to show up as a supportive, loving, and sturdy parent. You may bring awareness to any instances of shame, judgment, or criticism, and instead help your child to grow in a safe, compassionate, and supportive environment.
Following back up also entails bringing awareness to any expectation of our child’s role and reactions. Children may not be ready for the conversation yet, and that’s okay. They may bristle at the thought of talking it through, or they may feel embarrassed, confused, or upset. Observation of their reactions may offer cues for how to support them and the messages they may need to hear from us.
While this process of following back up may be discouraging at times, consider the actions you’ve taken to engage in values-aligned ways. Regardless of their readiness to engage, you’ve sent the message that their experiences matter to you, that you are invested in understanding their experiences and feelings, and you’re available to help. When these messages are received regularly, even the most hesitant of children may be ready to open up and talk things through with you in the future.
We talk through using our values to guide us as parents and joining alongside our children to problem-solve as a team in our comprehensive compassionate parenting course. Follow us on social media to stay up-to-date on our offerings and to take part in our series all about parenting intentionally.
