New Connections

As humans, we are skilled at doing what feels familiar, comfortable, and has served us in the past. This can be incredibly useful until we’re interested in growing and practicing new behaviors. This read is all about bringing awareness to new spaces to intervene differently in the service of connection. 

Learning is Uncomfortable

Before offering new ways of engaging, let’s start by validating how challenging it can be to introduce new behaviors. It’s not just you, and it certainly doesn’t have to speak to your success as a parent. Learning new ways of engaging is challenging for lots of reasons. 

To start, introducing new behaviors means first contacting old ways of engaging - and all the emotions, memories, and thoughts that come along with that. This may include the feelings of guilt and shame of having made mistakes in the past. It is a human experience to respond in self-protective ways by defending old patterns or by not confronting our behaviors at all. What can help this along is staying tethered to what is meaningful in leaning into this self-reflection - even when it’s hard to. 

Even after we’ve opened up to these experiences, we’re confronted with the lifelong experience of how uncomfortable it can be to learn something new - even when we may dismiss the presence of this discomfort. Learning has us contact “not knowing.” Feeling de-skilled or lost can very much be overwhelming. Still, this feeling is not an unfamiliar one and is one that you’ve learned to make space for. 

A common visitor of feeling de-skilled is the presence of critical and self-defeating thoughts. These too can be acknowledged without attaching to them. These thoughts can be loud, mean, and ring very true - and yet - they may remain present while you do the hard thing. Thoughts are simply thoughts. 

And finally, as parents, we’re confronted with the ever-present challenge of being busy and tired. As such, it is important to meet yourself with flexibility. Consider that when a child is struggling to learn something new, it is never that they are failing. It is about approaching them with extra support and flexibility to best meet their needs so that they are set up for success. This doesn’t change as we age. By first validating these challenges, then you can better explore ways to support yourself.

If any of these present as “stuck points” for you, then it may be useful to explore support from an individual therapist to explore barriers and increase skills around this work. This is written simply to introduce new concepts, but it’s okay to experience these as challenging to implement. This is why extra support exists. 

Clarifying “Connection”

So what does connection actually look like? Consider times throughout your day or week when you feel most connected to your child. 

Reflect on what that feels like for you in your body. 

Reflect on what you observe on your child’s face and in their body when they present as connected.

The ability to experience connection is incredibly important as it builds trust of belonging, love, support, and of feeling understood. Connection goes hand-in-hand with our experience of relational safety: our brains and bodies are hardwired for survival, so they are constantly searching for cues that tell us whether we can be at ease with those around us. When we experience connection and attunement from our loved ones, our internal “threat systems” no longer have to be on high alert.

The benefits of experiencing connection and relational safety between caregiver and child is especially important for a child’s development. A child’s ability to soothe themselves, regulate their emotions, and tend to their needs first develops through co-regulation with a safe and attuned caregiver. As parents, we can help our children to interpret cues of relational safety in various ways. We can do so by modeling attunement and respect both within and outside of this relationship, presenting external cues of what safety can look like. We can also do so by giving them space to notice what connection feels like in their bodies and the emotions it stirs within them, thus building their awareness of internal cues of safety. We can also support our children to move into connection in the ways that feel safe and authentic to them. 

Finding Spaces

Understanding what connection feels like also helps with holding any past rules about connecting lightly. There may be expectations that surface, and still there are no limits to the varied ways you can nurture connection in your families. Consider these suggestions of spaces to connect:

• Not knowing/learning together

• Making mistakes

• Emotional expression and modeling of self-compassion

• Creating 

• Adventuring together

• Playing

• Being in nature together

• Laughing together

• Listening and moving to music

• Cleaning together

  
  

Even if your mind tells you that there isn’t time, you can bring awareness to the opportunities that exist. With practice and feedback of how rich these experiences can be, it is likely that this practice becomes intuitive. 

Using Language

Words can also be another way to deepen connection with your child. Consider these suggestions of ways to connect with words:

• Express Appreciation 

  •  For sharing, asking questions, asking for help, existing, etc.

    
    

• Acknowledge Effort 

  • When trying new things, expressing themselves, moving into challenges, etc.

    
    

• Model Openness & Acceptance

  • Of emotions, needs, challenges, efforts to regulate, interests, passions, etc.

    
    

• Communicate love

  • Upon seeing them, when embracing, at departures, when joining them in an activity, etc.

    
    

Children are better able to connect with our words when the words are congruent with our bodies. We can deepen their reception of our messages to connect by turning towards them, connecting with our words, and pairing them with attunement. Because matching our nonverbals (e.g., body positioning, gestures, facial expressions, etc.) and verbals (e.g., tone of voice, words used, etc.) provides consistency and predictability, it also helps to support your child’s sense of safety and security in your relationship and in their own perceptions.

Your child loves and needs you. Not a better, different version of you. Use the words that resonate with you and your child. Get creative and lean in.