Invisible labor of parents is everything that is often not named, but is very much felt. In addition to honoring the everyday work of parents AND validating the daily depletion, this read also aims to build up a sustaining practice of self-compassion.
Acknowledging the Load
Invisible labor is the undervalued and unpaid labor that keeps families and other workplaces going. Often the “product” or “outcome” is recognized in some spaces, but parenting doesn’t work that way. There isn’t an end to the work of loving, nurturing, and supporting children.
Here are just a few examples of invisible labor:
Maintaining and strengthening family relationships
Organizing schedules
Anticipating needs
Ensuring emotional wellbeing
Flexing sleep and work schedules to care for sick children
Attending to hygiene
Setting up all health visits
Creating and capturing “magic” moments
Everything that goes into play dates… etc.
These tasks all require physical, emotional, and mental effort, and are not done in isolation. Oftentimes these tasks are carried in the context of multiple children, work stress, health issues, financial barriers, and life challenges. These tasks may also vary based on parenting and partner/family support. Sometimes even the inability to partake in some of these tasks can take a larger toll on us.
Understanding the Toll
When we are engaged in the daily toil, we believe we can’t afford to stop. Our minds are ever so helpful in this way - keeping us going. However, our minds aren’t doing us any favors when we bypass our body’s needs. Just because we can keep going, doesn’t mean we should.
When we fail to notice our own needs like sleep, food, movement, connection, or other basic needs, we risk our ability to show up fully in the ways that matter. Taking on so much can have a negative impact on our stress levels, our internalized expectations of self, and lead to burn out. We may be doing all of this for our children and families, but when we lose balance- that motivation ceases to give back.
Recipe for Self-Compassion
Establishing a practice of self-compassion can help sustain us through life’s challenges. Taking inventory of what’s occurring for you is an important start. We can pair that with non-judgment and curiosity. Yep, there’s a lot to be carrying, and times are challenging.
From there, we’ll add a dash of warmth and understanding. It’s okay to struggle and to want to do our best. It makes sense that you feel the way you do.
And then sprinkle on some common humanity. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling.
Compassion practices can be that simple, but can be a struggle to get going when we’re not familiar with a kinder way of engaging with ourselves. Still, lots of resources exist for how to move into this work.
Engaging in self-compassionate care can also look many different ways. It can look like community care, self-advocacy, delegation of responsibilities, self-care, and simply saying “no.” Your struggle to carry it all doesn’t reflect some personal or moral shortcoming. Parenting is difficult and we were never meant to carry it alone. Having resources around you to affirm and support you is important.
Stay Flexy
Whether it looks like reminders of appreciation from outside sources (like this one) or from self-directed and mindful reminders of warmth and understanding, we hope you are offering yourself what you need. Maybe from this compassionate stance you can notice where there is space to practice flexibility with the tasks you pick up daily.
When we are committed to living in alignment with our values, it does mean understanding that not all of our values get lived perfectly all of the time. We may know this cognitively, but struggle with this knowing when we’re confronted with the tension of two (or more) competing values. When we allow ourselves to stay flexible with how we live our values, then we may prevent overextending ourselves. Just like with muscles, flexibility reduces the risk of physical injury.
Life is hard enough, let’s not add to it. Instead, find a compassionate balance that supports you in staying present for those moments of connection with your children that make it all worth it.
We understand that the act of self-compassion can feel unfamiliar to many people. For this reason, we’ve developed a self-compassion course that includes a comprehensive guide and specialized activities for children, adolescents, and parents. This course is designed to build up a new skill or meet you and your child's current needs with this work.
