A constant companion to almost every parent is the fear that they are “messing up”. Parenting is hard work and we carry a lot of pressure to “get it right”. While we obviously support the integration of research-informed parenting strategies, we also believe in the value of small, authentic moments of connection. And there’s a lot to say about how these things are linked.
That Deep Sea Pressure
As psychologists who work closely with parents, caregivers, and other mental health professionals, we are privy to the intense levels of pressure we feel to do our best for the children in our lives. This pressure occurs long before we fill those parenting roles because we are constantly inundated with rules about what it looks like to do it “right”. These rules are often culturally informed, generationally learned, and may often compete with our own “knowing”.
And the busier that life gets, the more that pressure climbs. For those of us tackling many roles, we don’t always notice the pressure we’ve accustomed to. It’s probably that deep sea pressure where the blog fish dwells. Until an event occurs where we’ve gotten it “wrong”, and we’re overcome by feelings of shame and guilt.
Most notably, this stems from moments of feeling watched and judged by others, of feeling evaluation, comparison, and feeling out of control. Take a moment and think about those spaces where you feel this most.
Understanding Your Why
In the spirit of compassionate practices, we want to highlight that this VERY HUMAN experience makes sense. In the words of Steve Hayes, Ph.D., “You hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt.”
In other words, the marker of pain can be a clear sign that our values are connected to parenting. You love your child(ren) and want the best for them. Perhaps this is also layered with your own values of wanting to offer them a childhood that was more than what you knew growing up. Maybe you’re also wanting for them to have what you valued deeply as a child.
What did YOU treasure?
When you think back on your childhood, what were the small acts that you treasured growing up? What were the outings, acts, gestures, or moments that you still treasure?
When we started asking folks about their memories, we were warmed by the beautiful and vast responses we received. Presence was the resounding theme of the responses. Presence of adult caregivers was valued across the small memories of outings, dance parties, play, time in nature, bedtime stories, meals, etc. The messages of safety and love were all communicated in varying ways of seeing their child and being with.
It’s clear from these responses that the act of being with a child - being present, responsive, and attentive - leaves a long-lasting impact. In addition to serving as the cornerstone of cherished memories, the reliable presence of a caregiver is incredibly powerful in other ways, too. When children experience the consistent and predictable presence of a caregiver, they develop a sense of safety and security within that relationship: they know that their caregiver will be there for them in times of joy and in times of distress.
When children experience this sense of safety then it serves as a strong buffer against the challenges a child may face in their daily life, whether or not that you are physically present with them, and it helps to form the blueprint from which children shape their expectations about other relationships throughout their lives. This is to say that you are with them, even at times that you’re unable to be. Like music to a parent’s ears.
This practice of being compassionately present, especially when your child is distressed, reaffirms the message that they are seen, known, and loved, and that the child does not need to go through their big feelings alone. This act of being with and helping to soothe a distressed or dysregulated child, known as co-regulation, develops that child’s capacity to eventually be able to offer that same care and compassion to themselves.
Drink Up
We put in a lot of work, and we deserve to fill up on it when we’re in it. Gently set down those rules and expectations, and drink up the very thing that fuels you. Remember that you’re doing the damn thing. That showing up fully in connection is both for you and your child(ren). Rumi’s famous quote, “Look past your thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of this moment”, must have had parents in mind.
