Walking through a world of uncertainty with your child is no small feat. While experiencing our own discomforts we’re also keenly aware of the demands to provide assurance to the small faces searching our own. Whether we’re faced with an unknown stressor or are feeling them pile on, parenting through these spaces is worth talking about.
Why Ambiguity is Challenging
As humans, we crave control. Even when we know it’s outside our reach - we will still settle for the semblance of control. Ambiguity and uncertainty can prompt anxiety, overwhelm, and indecision. It threatens our sense of knowing, predictability, and control.
Couple this with a parent's experience of living with their heart outside of their body (i.e., our children), and we’re mere puddles of anxiety. We are tasked with keeping our children loved and safe - and it’s a trust exercise from the moment we behold them. Trusting that monitoring symptoms is sufficient for the time being. Trusting that they will remember to look both ways before crossing the street. Trusting that they will make friends who value the nuances of their being. Trusting that others will handle them with respect and care.
How We Try to Resist
But trusting is difficult and we want assurances. Especially when something so precious is at stake. And when things get challenging, we humans have learned ways to resist. We are actually incredibly creative and efficient at finding ways to move away from our unwanted, private experiences. Private experiences are everything that is unseen by others - the stuff that happens within our own skin. This entails our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and memories.
We avoid situations where we may be prompted by the distress of uncertainty. But actually, as humans, we don’t even stop there. Because of our capacity to use language, we can call upon distressing stimuli no matter where we are. Lying in bed, that hard-earned and long-awaited opportunity to rest, and without the actual presence of the avoided stressor - and POP! There it is. Conjured up in our minds and, all of a sudden, our bodies are cued up to respond as if it is actually present. No escape.
But as we know, we like the very idea of having control. So we suppress, distract, deny, resist, disconnect...You get the picture. But unfortunately, our experience confirms what is backed by research: these efforts don’t work. At least not in sustainable ways. And they tend to exacerbate our distress.
Parenting Through It All
An alternative to avoiding is acceptance or willingness. Practicing willingness to make space for all of the discomfort that comes with uncertainty, and choosing freely to persist in ways that align with our deeply-held values. We do this by engaging with ourselves in compassionate ways so we can carry the challenges that are currently present and those that are up ahead.
Parenting today is difficult - even with all the modern conveniences available to us. We have had to wake up each morning and parent through unprecedented events. Practicing compassion is validating the challenges that are present, meeting our experiences with understanding, and moving towards our suffering with warmth and care.
We’ve done this before. Every single time you’ve responded to your child after a hurt with warmth, presence, and openness. This is just the opportunity to channel that to yourself, as well as to your child, for the stuff that’s unseen. Compassionate observance of it all.
Yes, And
Yes, this sounds so easy. And historically it may have been. Still, this work is challenging for many reasons and it’s okay to take it on in small, meaningful actions.
Part of this work is centered on tuning into your body’s experiences. If the level of stress you’re experiencing is impacting your functioning, then you may be outside your “Window of Tolerance.” This idea in psychology is used to capture the ideal range of arousal for our nervous systems and emotions. Staying curious about your experiences may help you determine what you need to help you to regulate your nervous system.
When we are connected to ourselves, we are also better able to tap into our personal values. Values may serve as a compass when things feel uncertain. They provide a guide so that we may align with what is most dearly meaningful to us. While you may never have been at these crossroads before, you can take intentional steps to live congruently with your values - living with purpose, always.
Whether you would like extra support with practicing acceptance, incorporating self-compassion practices, clarifying values, or establishing regulation skills, individual therapy may be an avenue to explore. We also encourage the presence of community-building to establish external supports. Being in community with others can support compassionate practices because it links us to our shared humanity and can offer reminders of safety to our nervous systems.
Yes, things are really hard right now. You are not alone, and there are many compassionate ways to meet your and your child’s experiences.
